Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize