yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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