i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
