I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
