turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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