I wish my penis had an off switch
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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