So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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