I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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