i think i scared a bird with my dick
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
