just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
