Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
