I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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