I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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