update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
