if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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