My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
