Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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