i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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