I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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