I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
