Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
