remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
