I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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