Me. At least after what I've been through.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
