Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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