Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
