He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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