Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
