Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
