I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
