I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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