she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
