I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize