Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
