Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
