when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
