did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
