Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
