Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize