um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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