Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
