I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
