I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
