Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
