dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
