Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
