Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
