I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
