I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
