Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
