why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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