20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
