bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
