Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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