Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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