i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
